Why Is It Hard for Me to Want to Date

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If you feel like it's hard to motivate yourself to date, you're not alone. About half of adults in the U.S. say that dating has gotten harder in the last 10 years.

There are many reasons why you may not want to date. Maybe it feels impossible to find someone you like, or you've had a bad experience with online dating. Or maybe you feel less confident about yourself at the moment.

Of course, there are plenty of people who choose not to date because they're content being single and aren't interested in being in a relationship.

But if you want to be in a relationship and find it hard to date, it can be helpful to explore what may be holding you back and how to manage the realities of dating.

Why are you not interested in dating?

There are many reasons why it may be hard for you to want to date. And they're all fairly common.

Feeling bad about your appearance

Physical appearance can be an important part of a romantic connection. If you don't feel good about how you look, it can make you hesitant to put yourself out there.

One study found that people with a negative body image had more anxiety around dating. And dating anxiety may be worse if you focus a lot on your looks.

Low expectations about dating

You may feel like the chances are slim of finding a partner you like. That's a common dating barrier.

The majority of single daters say they find it hard to find people to date. Having low expectations can make you not want to invest time or emotional energy into dating.

Negative experiences in the past

If you've had negative experiences with dating in the past, it can turn you off of dating. For instance, online dating doesn't always bring out the best in people:

• People can be flaky, saying they'll meet and then canceling.

• Or they can simply ghost you.

• And many women say they've experienced someone being rude or inappropriate to them.

All these experiences can keep you from wanting to make yourself vulnerable again.

Fear of rejection

Dating can sometimes feel like a series of mini rejections. You're sitting across from someone and can sense they're not into you. Or you don't get a call or text after a date.

You know that you're also determining if you like the person across from you. And you know that not everyone is a good match. Still, it can sometimes be hard not to feel rejected.

Dating anxiety

Dating anxiety is a sense of worry or fear about dating. Nearly everyone feels some degree of nervousness about dating. But people with dating anxiety fear that dating partners will have negative opinions of them. The worry is so great that they often avoid dating or social interactions with potential partners.

Is it OK to not be interested in dating?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date. For some people, dating is very important - but for others, it's not.

Dating may not be a priority for you at the moment. You may be more focused on your career, school, or caretaking responsibilities. Or you may want to work on yourself before getting into a relationship.

Many single people say they aren't dating because they enjoy the single life. These are totally normal and common reasons not to want to date.

How to start dating again

If your goal is to be in a relationship, here are some tips to help you get back to dating.

Keep an open mind

If you've had negative experiences in the past, it's understandable that you may approach dating with skepticism. However, expecting the past to repeat itself can get in the way of you dating.

Instead, try to keep an open mind and a curious attitude. Try to think of each new person as a unique individual and a new opportunity.

Be kind to yourself

It's common to put dating off and to tell yourself, "I'll start dating when I lose weight," or "I'll wait until I get a better job."

Practice accepting where you are right now, rather than waiting for everything to feel perfect. Many people - including those you may date - have things they're working on. And nobody is perfect. You likely have higher standards for yourself than others do.

Reframe dating as socializing

If you think of dating as a chore, it's no surprise that you're avoiding it. Instead, try changing the way that you think about dating. For example, think of it as an opportunity to socialize or a way to meet new people. This can help reduce some of the stress and pressure that you associate with it.

Set aside a certain amount of time

If the thought of dating feels overwhelming, try timeboxing it. This is when you intentionally devote a limited amount of time to a specific task.

For example, you could set aside 10 minutes a day or 30 minutes a week to online dating. And you can set a limit of 1 date per week or 2 per month, whatever pace feels comfortable to you.

Go on a low-pressure date

A popular low-pressure date is going on a walking and talking date. This takes the pressure off of making eye contact and can feel more casual and comfortable.

Stay focused on your goal

You might not love the process of dating. But if your goal is to be in a relationship, then dating is a means to an end. Remember why you're doing this, and keep your eye on the goal.

Get professional help

You may find it difficult to get over your reluctance to date or dating anxiety on your own. If so, you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional.

Therapy can help you work through barriers to dating. In some cases, these barriers may be unconscious, or outside of your awareness. A therapist can help you identify and address barriers so they don't hold you back.

If your lack of dating is related to a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety, then therapy can also address these conditions.

Frequently asked questions

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