Beach Voices: Coming out is about feeling ‘safe, seen and loved’

October is a very special time to me as the nation celebrates both OUTober and Filipino American History Month.

Growing up, I was exposed to very rigid notions of identity. I didn't have a concept of queerness - you were either flaming gay or you were a tomboy lesbian. The conversation about queerness didn't exist in a religiously dogmatic and homophobic household. Further, being Filipino American meant demonstrating patriotism for the United States and the Philippines, and most folks only really knew Philippine culture through lumpia, pancit and Jo Koy.

I think the Q in LGBTQIA+ has always been a little quiet. "You've always loved everyone" was the first thing my best friend Christine said when I came out to her six years ago as queer pansexual.

Coming out was a slow process of figuring out where and with whom I can feel safe, seen and loved. And while Long Beach has one of largest Filipino populations in California with over 20,000 people, I often felt invisible and forgotten, often feeling like I needed to always explain where I was from.

Working at Cal State Long Beach as a faculty member for almost 20 years enabled me to connect with some of the strongest leaders and fiercest advocates in the LGBTQIA+ and Filipino communities and it was through this process that I really became grounded in my Queer Pilipinx identity.

In 2007, I met Lynne Coenen, director of the Women's Resource Center, and Ruby Leavell-Hartley, a counselor in the Career Development Center, when they were planning the annual Women & Careers Symposium. After sharing with them that I was a new faculty member in Chemistry and that I had just started my family, I was honored to be included as one of the panelists for the symposium. I felt a sense of belonging and visibility that I had never really experienced in educational institutions and opened a pathway to other brave spaces where I can be myself.

I met Rachelle Ang, CAPS case manager, who invited me to join the Asian Pacific Islander Network in 2008. I connected with other faculty whose scholarly work was grounded in Filipino American Histories such as Linda Maram, and I learned more about the significant impact that Filipinos have had in American history and define for myself what it means to me to be Filipino American.

I began attending Lavender Grad in 2015 after being invited by my friend Helen Barriere, former HSI-STEM Student Program Coordinator. I have attended almost every year since then.

Photo courtesy of Alma Flash Photography

Through Lavender Grad, I met Lore LeMaster who founded CSULB Lavender Grad in 2007. Interestingly, I met the founder of the nationwide Lavender Grad, Ronni Sanlo, when she conducted the LGBTQ Ally Training when I was residence hall staff back at UCLA in 2001, and in 2021, I invited her as the keynote speaker for our campus virtual Lavender Grad during the thick of COVID.

Every year, it was a joy to hear the speakers, and through learning people's stories - especially in that coming out is a process - I began my own process of slowly coming out to others.

The more I engaged with queer-centered faculty and student groups and events at The Beach, the more I was able to find community. Organizations such as the LGBTQIA+ Coalition and the Queer and Trans Faculty and Staff Association (QTFSA) were instrumental in my sense of belonging in this campus community.

These opportunities for collaboration I connected with Brendan Cashatt, former assistant director of The Beach's LGBTQ+ Resource Center; Lauren Jensen, psychologist in CAPS; Shae Miller, associate professor in the Department of Sociology, and Kathryn Perkins, department chair of Political Science - and their continued leadership and advocacy for the queer and trans community has empowered me.

In my almost two decades working at CSULB, I learned that there was a support network to help me live and learn about who I am, and that I can uplift and make every aspect of myself visible.

Elaine Villanueva Bernal (they/she) is a lecturer in the Chemistry and Biochemistry Department.

Beach Voices is an occasional feature that allows members of The Beach community - students, faculty, staff and alumni - to share their firsthand experiences. If you would like to be considered, email submissions labeled "Beach Voices" to Strategic Communications. 

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