Should You Get Couples Counseling? 7 Signs It May Be Time

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All couples disagree, and even fight sometimes. But if you're feeling unhappy in your relationship, you might be wondering if couples counseling is right for you and your partner.

Wendi Dumbroff, a New Jersey-based therapist who specializes in couples counseling, says that many couples get comfortable with familiar patterns of behavior - even negative ones. This can get in the way of seeking counseling.

"People put up with something for a long time," she said, "until they can't."

What is couples counseling for?

Couples counseling is when partners see a therapist together to address relationship challenges. It's sometimes called couples therapy, or marriage counseling when the couple is married.

Couples counseling may be shorter-term and more problem-oriented than individual therapy. It focuses on building relationship skills like communication and empathy.

Couples counseling can provide a non-judgmental space to talk and listen, whether you and your partner are:

• Fighting often

• Feeling emotionally disconnected

• Dealing with a breach of trust

There are many reasons that couples turn to counseling, Dumbroff said. But what these couples have in common is a desire to change "un-useful interactions" in the relationship.

The role of couples counselors

A couples counselor isn't a referee. They don't choose sides or assign fault.

"My role is to provide an aerial view of what's happening between people," Dumbroff said. "I help couples understand what coping strategies may not be serving them well. In essence, we [therapists] hold the light in the swamp."

Signs you might need couples counseling

Many couples think of counseling as a last resort. But couples don't need to be in crisis to seek therapy, Dumbroff said. They can benefit from starting therapy before minor issues grow into bigger ones.

"It's courageous to say, 'Look, things aren't working. We want it to be better,'" she said.

Every couple's situation is unique. Still, there are common issues and themes that bring couples to therapy. Here are seven signs that it may be time to seek couples counseling with your partner.

1. Persistent conflict

Some amount of conflict in a relationship is normal. But long-lasting or destructive conflict is a sign to seek couples counseling.

Disagreements between you and your partner may regularly escalate. Or you may feel hurt, resentful, or disconnected after having an argument. If so, that may be a hint that you and your partner need to build your relationship skills.

Arguments are destructive if you and your partner are:

• Yelling frequently

• Putting each other down

• Name-calling

• Universalizing problems (for example, saying "you always," or "you never")

• Calling your relationship into question whenever tension arises

A couples counselor can teach skills such as active listening and avoiding assumptions. This may help you argue more constructively and get on common ground faster.

2. Decreased physical intimacy

Lack of intimacy is a frequent reason couples start therapy, said Dumbroff. So is an uneven desire for sex - when one partner desires more sex than the other partner does.

Many things can negatively impact a couple's sex life:

• Parenting young children

• Conflicting work schedules

• Physical or mental health conditions

• Stress

• Menopause

Some ups and downs in sexual connectedness over time are normal, Dumbroff said. But a lack of intimacy can lead to feelings of loss. A couples therapist can help you and your partner discuss what's getting in the way of sex, and what to do about it.

If sex is a main reason bringing you to counseling, consider finding a therapist with specialty training in sexuality.

3. Difficulty communicating

Good communication between partners is easy to take for granted. But when a relationship is strained, bad communication habits can set in. These can affect every aspect of a relationship.

Psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman identified four negative communication habits that contribute to relationship distress and divorce:

1. Contempt: This is when one partner acts as if the other partner is inferior. Eye rolling, sarcasm, or name-calling are ways of showing contempt.

2. Criticism: Criticism isn't the same as constructive feedback. Criticism involves judgment and personal attack.

3. Defensiveness: When someone feels defensive, they may overemphasize their own innocence or sense of victimhood.

4. Stonewalling: This is withdrawing from, shutting down, or ignoring your partner.

Couples counseling can show you what's not working in your communication styles. It can teach you new communication strategies, and give you the chance to practice these strategies in a safe space.

4. Emotional distance

Even very close couples sometimes feel distant from one another. Busy schedules can get in the way of spending quality time together. And if you or your partner consistently choose family time, personal time, or your own hobbies instead of couple time, emotional distance can open up between you.

Emotional distance may feel like:

• "Falling out of love" or "losing the spark"

• No longer having the kinds of conversations you did when you were first getting to know one another

• Losing a sense of curiosity about each other

A couples counselor can help you identify what's getting in the way of closeness.

5. Breach of trust

Lying to your partner can deal a huge blow to your relationship, but it happens rather frequently. In one study of heterosexual monogamous couples, approximately 1 in 4 men and 1 in 5 women reported being sexually unfaithful at some point in the relationship. And though infidelity can be difficult to work through, Dumbroff said it doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship.

Breaches of trust can take on different forms. For example, taking on debt without your partner's knowledge is a financial breach of trust. Financial dishonesty may cause conflict and mistrust for couples, as well.

If the dishonesty is not ongoing, and partners are willing to be accountable, healing and repair may be possible through couples counseling, Dumbroff said.

6. Parenting disagreements

Serious disagreements around parenting styles or decisions are a sign that therapy may be needed. Naturally, each parent brings to the family a unique set of ideas about raising children, based on their own:

• Cultural background and upbringing

• Religious or spiritual values

• Parenting philosophy and approach

These differences can lead to conflict or stress for a couple, especially when:

• Dealing with difficult child behavior

• Moving to a new house or changing schools

• Having a child with special needs or a medical diagnosis

A couples counselor may be able to help you and your partner compromise in your parenting styles while working together to prioritize your children's health and happiness.

7. Major life transitions

Major life transitions can impact your sense of self and your relationship. Significant changes or losses include:

• Death in the family

• Health diagnosis

• Job loss

• Newly empty nest

Experiencing any of these events can stress your mutual support systems. Even celebrated events, like the birth of a child or a career advancement, can change the dynamic of a couple or a household.

Is couples therapy effective?

Research suggests that couples counseling can improve relationships. One study showed that 70% of couples who received treatment felt it had a positive impact on their relationship.

But there are many factors that impact whether counseling will be effective for a couple, such as:

• Motivation level of both partners: As mentioned above, couples counseling is most effective when both partners commit to solving their problems together.

• Early detection: The average couple seeking counseling has already been struggling for 2 or more years. But the longer relationship problems continue, the more difficult they are to repair. Seeking couples counseling sooner rather than later can improve its effectiveness.

• Honesty during counseling: Successful couples therapy requires that people be honest with themselves, their partner, and the therapist.

• Comfort with the therapist: It's important that both partners feel at ease with the therapist. If that's not the case, find someone who is the right fit for both of you.

Keep in mind that "successful" couples counseling doesn't mean all your problems will go away. The difference is that you and your partner will now have a new set of tools and techniques to use to solve conflict, Dumbroff said.

Also note that a positive outcome doesn't always mean the couple stays together. Couples therapy sometimes helps people clarify that separation or divorce is their best path forward.

When is couples counseling unhelpful?

When there's abuse, or when the conversation in therapy could make it unsafe for one partner outside of therapy, couples therapy is not recommended.

"Safety is the most important thing across all contexts," said Dumbroff.

In addition, couples therapy is not advised when one partner is dealing with a major mental health crisis, such as psychosis or mania.

How to start relationship counseling

It's normal to feel nervous about starting couples counseling. Sometimes, couples worry that bringing their issues to light will make things worse.

But the purpose of couples counseling is to help you and your partner improve your connection. Seeking support from counseling isn't an admission of defeat. Quite the opposite: It signals a commitment to strengthening the relationship.

Finding the right couples therapist

Finding a good therapist for you may seem daunting. But you have several options to choose from.

Many kinds of therapists practice couples counseling, including:

• Marriage and family therapists (MFT)

• Licensed clinical social workers (LCSW)

• Licensed professional counselors (LPC)

• Psychologists (PhD or PsyD)

Try searching your insurance provider's directory for counselors in your area. You can also use an online database, such as the Gottman Referral Network or Psychology Today's directory.

When seeking a couples therapist, consider the therapist's:

• Education and training

• Approach and type of therapy practiced

• Professional experience with issues that affect you and your partner (for example, LGBTQ+ issues, sexuality, infidelity, addiction)

• Background (the therapist's own gender, sexuality, and family background may be important to you and/or your partner)

And there will be other practical considerations, too, such as:

• Insurance types accepted

• Out-of-pocket costs

• Office location

• Appointment availability

It's common (and can even be helpful) to meet with a few therapists before finding one that fits.

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