Pregnancy and Infant Loss: Insights from an LVC Expert

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time to honor the grief experienced by countless individuals and families who have faced the unimaginable loss of a pregnancy or a child. These are deeply personal and painful experiences, and often those around the grieving person are unsure of how to provide support. Understanding how to approach this delicate situation with care, empathy, and mindfulness can make a world of difference.

One of the most important things to remember is that the loss of a pregnancy or an infant is profound. While societal reactions to the death of a child are often met with clear empathy and acknowledgment, pregnancy loss can be minimized or misunderstood by those who haven't experienced it. Sometimes people assume that because the loss occurred early in the pregnancy or before birth, it is somehow less significant.

"It is important to remember that the relationship, bond, and hopes were already formed, and the loss is shattering. It's crucial to empathize with the gravity of the situation, recognizing that the loss of a pregnancy is multifaceted and includes the loss of a future, a dream, a relationship, and a connection," said Cynthia Vejar, Program Director and Associate Professor of Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Lebanon Valley College.

In trying to provide comfort, people may often say things that, while well-intentioned, can come across as dismissive or even harmful. Phrases like "everything happens for a reason" or "you can always try again" may unintentionally diminish the depth of grief being felt. These are examples of common communication mistakes. Instead of offering advice or trying to explain the loss, it is often better to simply be present and listen. Your role is not to fix the situation or to explain it away, but to walk beside the grieving individual, offering your support without assumptions. Saying something as simple as, "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "I'm here for you," can be incredibly comforting, especially if you follow through on that promise of support.

One of the reasons people may avoid discussing the loss or hesitate to reach out is fear-fear of saying the wrong thing or of making the grieving person more upset. It's understandable to feel this way, but silence can be equally painful.

"Remember, it is important to show up for your loved one, even if you're not sure what to say. Acknowledge that you may not have the perfect words, and that's okay," said Vejar. "Grieving individuals don't expect perfect words; they need your presence, your willingness to sit with them in their sorrow, and your acknowledgment of their pain."

It's also essential to remember that grief is not a linear process. The stages of grief-denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance-do not always come in order or with clear boundaries. Anger is a particularly common and complex stage, and it's important to recognize that any expressions of frustration or hurt are not personal. It's not about you or anything you've said, but rather a reflection of the deep emotional turmoil they are navigating. Allow space for that anger and sadness, understanding that it is part of the healing process.

Supporting someone who has lost a pregnancy when you yourself are pregnant can be particularly difficult. Pregnancy and babies are often a source of joy and excitement, and talking about them can feel natural. However, for someone grieving the loss of a pregnancy or struggling with infertility, these conversations can be painful reminders of what they are missing. If you're in this situation, it's crucial to be mindful of the other person's feelings. You don't have to avoid talking about your pregnancy entirely, but be sensitive to their emotional state. If you notice that they are withdrawing from conversations about babies or seem uncomfortable, find ways to shift the conversation to something they can participate in more comfortably. It's about being aware of their needs and ensuring that they still feel included in the relationship.

Ultimately, the best way to support a loved one through pregnancy or infant loss is through genuine empathy, patience, and presence. Don't rush their grief or try to offer quick fixes. Be there for the long haul, understanding that this loss may impact them for years to come. Your love and support, even in moments of silence, will speak volumes and can help them feel less alone in their journey through grief.

Learn more about LVC's 3+2 Clinical Mental Health Counseling and M.S. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling programs.