Expert Tips to Avoid Conflict at Holiday Gatherings

People dread holiday gatherings so much that nearly half of Americans say they've declined invitations to avoid conflict with friends and family members.

A survey commissioned by Docusign found that 49% of respondents say they have turned down one or more holiday invitations.

Other key findings:

• Topics most likely to spark tension are politics (49%), family decisions like parenting and finances (47%), and religion (25%).

• One-third of people (32%) are not confident or don't believe it's possible to have productive conversations about different views without conflict.

• People feel bad about this. More than 54% say they always or usually look forward to holiday gatherings. In other words, people want to be together - they're just not sure how to do it successfully.

There's a solution. Over the past year, as part of our "

The Art of Agreement
" series, we've interviewed people from various fields who are experts at reaching agreement under even the most difficult situations: hostage negotiators, a marriage counselor, a corporate mediator, an improv comedy coach, and a start-up that developed AI-based negotiation bots. From these conversations we've uncovered strategies for overcoming interpersonal conflict and finding common ground.

Here are some suggestions:

Start by defining your desired outcome

Good negotiators go into a negotiation knowing what they hope to achieve - how much they're willing to pay, what terms they're willing to offer. Before you walk into the New Year's party, take a deep breath and remember that your desired outcome is not to win an argument, but to avoid having one, and maybe even build a deeper connection in the process.

That might mean avoiding certain topics. But it's absolutely possible for people to discuss their differences in a respectful way - and if you do this correctly, disagreement can strengthen a relationship rather than fracturing it, and even bring you closer together.

Build empathy

Hostage negotiators begin by asking lots of questions, being respectful to the hostage taker, and approaching them with empathy. "You have to put yourself in their shoes, and see the situation through their eyes," says Sue Williams, a renowned kidnap hostage negotiator. "You don't negotiate from your point of view. You've got to step out of your worldview and see the situation from the other side."

It's usually not easy or pleasant to build rapport and establish a connection when you're dealing with terrorists and murderers, as Williams does. But that's not what you're dealing with at a holiday party. These are your friends, family, and colleagues. Surely you can find common ground with the guy in the Ohio State sweater who just found out you went to Michigan.

Ask a lot of questions - and listen without judging

Approach the conversation with curiosity, not contempt. Asking questions and being deferential draws the other person toward you. Remember this law of reciprocity: When you listen to someone, they're more likely to listen to you in return.

A powerful five-word question: "Why do you think that?"

This is counterintuitive, but a disagreement can actually be a positive thing.

Jennifer Lupo, a mediator who handles corporate disputes and high-net-worth divorces, uses a simple question to defuse tense moments: "Why do you think that?" When you ask this question - with curiosity, not contempt - and listen attentively, the other person is going to start sharing things that you didn't know about them. Just the act of sharing personal information builds a connection and brings people closer.

You might still disagree, but by exploring a disagreement rather than arguing about it you've created an opportunity to build a bridge and strengthen a relationship. And, by doing that, you've also taken a first step in the direction of reaching an agreement.

Use three magic words: "Thank you, because."

This technique for managing disagreement was developed at The Second City improv comedy theater and involves three steps:

1. Express gratitude to the other person for sharing their opinion. (That's the "Thank you.")

2. Find something you value in what they said. (That's the "because.")

3. Now share your opinion.

For example: "I appreciate you have fond memories of those great Ohio State games. Some of my favorite memories from my time at Michigan happened at those football games too."

Researchers at the University of Chicago found that people who used "Thank you, because" stayed in conversations longer and felt more positive about the other person afterward.

One last thought: the things we disagree about are usually tiny compared to what we actually agree on. The holidays create an opportunity to remind ourselves that we have more in common with others than we think.

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