Dr. Lorenzo McFarland on anniversary of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal

Dr. Lorenzo McFarland, DHA, MPH, MSW, is the deputy director of HIV, Hepatitis and Related Conditions Programs in VHA's Office of Specialty Care Services. He shares his military story below.

I joined the Air Force in May 1987 as an Aerospace Medicine Technician, providing care to anyone on flying status, and conducting occupational health and physical examinations. I entered the military before Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) became law, when it wasn't as simple as not telling someone you were gay. Commanders could start investigations on anyone suspected of being gay; the mere perception that you were gay could get you investigated and kicked out. DADT was supposed to prevent LGBTQ+ service members from being harassed, but I can honestly say I didn't notice a difference after DADT was enacted in 1992. Even after it passed, I always felt like I had to look over my shoulder or wait for a shoe to drop.

Having to live a double life meant having to keep people at arm's length, which kept me from forming close relationships. When people got too close, I was afraid that they would ask questions. Questions I couldn't answer, like "Are you gay?" They felt that our friendship justified them asking about my sexual orientation. They would always say, "I'll keep it just between us." However, I always worked hard to change the topic or to just walk away. It was a hard thing to navigate. I was very clumsy with these situations early in my career but gained confidence as I got older. The net effect was that I didn't let people get close to me. It's a horrible way to live your life for 20 years.

Personally, DADT made it next to impossible to find a partner while I was in service, and my love life was basically nonexistent for 20 years. That's not to say I didn't have relationships, but I couldn't put myself in a position to be exposed, so I always ended the relationship before they got too close. There were females I worked with who were very interested in me and would push me to go on a date or to have sexual relations. Sometimes, I had to resort to lying about my love life. When I was a young airman stationed at Zaragoza Air Base in Spain, I told everyone that I had a fiancée back in the States. I got questioned why I didn't talk about her much and if she was coming to visit. Just as the questions intensified, I would move on to my next base.

Seeing other service members happily partnered made me feel angrier at what I couldn't have. I was very active on base, and I loved to go to the Air Force Dining Outs and Ins. The Dining Outs hurt me the most because other service members were allowed to bring civilian loved ones. For 20 years, I sat and watched everyone with their spouses, feeling resentment because I couldn't bring my partner or invite a love interest.

My job also didn't make my situation easier. As an Aerospace Medicine Technician, we conducted physical examinations and standards, including entrance, annual, retirement and exit physicals. An exit physical was completed on anyone being kicked out of the military. I completed a lot of exit physicals on people getting kicked out for being gay, some of whom were my friends. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in the military.

When I retired, I came out to a lot of my military friends. Most of them already knew and said they accepted me for me. Some had no clue and said it made sense now that they knew. I have no regrets and feel that my time in the Air Force made we a stronger person. I feel like I helped to pave the way for the men and women who are now serving our country as openly LGBTQ+.

For the last 14 years, I have worked for VA, and the culture has been inclusive. I never felt like I had to hide my sexuality or deal with any type of discrimination. I was excited to see VA celebrating gay Pride Month. I have attended several gay pride month celebrations at VA Central Office. The colleagues I work with value my skillset and passion for caring for my fellow Veterans.