When suicide hits home, the heartache of losing a loved one goes on

RICHMOND, Va. - For Angela Phillips, a management and program analyst with Defense Logistics Agency Aviation at Oklahoma City, National Suicide Prevention Month in September has taken on a profound significance.

What began as subtle changes in her husband of 30 years after returning from a deployment - a little more sleep, a little less joy - transformed into a heart-wrenching journey that no one can fully prepare for. On Oct. 3, 2023, Terry Phillips, a beloved and respected spouse, brother, friend and leader, took his own life.

When Angela and Terry joined DLA, they brought with them careers of distinguished service. Before joining DLA, they both served 23 years in the Navy. He was a chief hospital corpsman, biomed repairman, presidential support staffer, and dental and hospital clinic manager, among many other responsibilities. Terry was even a Navy drill instructor at one point and, although it was a departure from his regular duties, Angela said he pushed himself to be successful.

"Grass never grew under his feet," Angela said of his work ethic.

As for herself, Angela began her federal civilian career with DLA Distribution in 2019 and then served as management analyst with the Air Force's 76th Commodities Maintenance Group (CMXG) at Tinker, eventually landing her current DLA Aviation job in June.

Angela said Terry was known for his infectious smile and a deep commitment to those around him. He was the person others leaned on, the one who never met a stranger, and the "fixer" others turned to for solutions.

During Terry's second career act his storied work ethic continued after joining DLA Distribution at Oklahoma City in 2008. He began as a production controller before moving to Support Services Division as a systems analyst, and then was selected as the supervisor of customer service.

"He continued to excel and build solid working relationships with both employees and management from DLA and its Air Force counterparts," Angela shared. "He was promoted several times. In his time there from 2008-2023, and because of his work ethic and expertise, he ultimately became the division chief (GS-13) of three of the four divisions."

She said Terry's 'servant's heart' made him such a treasured employee and leader. "That is just what made him who he was."

Terry was frequently asked to take on initiatives outside his normal duties and often volunteered himself to tackle new challenges and help others. It was following a voluntary deployment to Afghanistan with DLA Distribution that Angela said she first noticed the extent of her husband's depression.

For Angela, the grief is still raw.

"Terry was the protector. He was my best friend, my adventure partner and the person everyone relied on," she said. "He never wanted to let anyone down. But in the end, I think he forgot how loved, respected and needed he really was."

Angela said Terry loved smiley faces, which symbolized his outlook on life and were a visible emblem of the joy he tried to spread to others. His phone, bathroom and even his Jeep were decorated with smiley faces.

"It was like he embodied the spirit of that happy face," Angela said.

Terry was part of a large family with nine siblings, many aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, and his spirit is now carried on by some of his family, who got smiley face tattoos in his honor after his passing.

"His passing was very unexpected and so difficult on both sides of our family and close friends," she said. "Terry was so loved by his family and friends, work family, and anybody else who knew him."

Though Terry was her husband, Angela said she considered him her role model "and the best human I've ever known. For so long, I called him my 'glass half full' guy, which made us a good balance because we were able to bring out the best in each other."

Other survivors of suicide might agree with Angela, who said the signs aren't always present or quickly recognized, especially among individuals like Terry, who appear confident and happy to their friends, family and coworkers.

"Honestly, he was very good about masking any stress or pain, even with me," she said. "He always felt responsible for others and never really made himself a priority. I think the main thing I finally noticed was his not being himself or extremely moody, which was not like him at all."

Angela recalls her husband sleeping more than usual and losing interest in activities he once enjoyed.

"He essentially started isolating himself, but it took some time for me to realize all these things because they were so gradual, over a couple of years," she said.

She noted that, unfortunately, sometimes those in leadership positions don't make themselves a priority or seek help for fear of being vulnerable to their leadership and employees.

"We, as a society, have come a long way in addressing mental health issues, but people still mostly would rather not talk about it," Angela said. "It is a very personal struggle. We need to prioritize checking in on people we care about more, even those who seem strong and 'have it all together.' Suicide doesn't only affect the person, but everyone who cares about them."

The aftermath of Angela's loss left her grappling with questions and immense guilt, a phenomenon known as "complicated grief." She found herself asking if she could have done more or what signs she had missed. Through counseling and support, Angela is learning to navigate her grief.

To honor his memory, Terry's peers initially suggested a Wall of Fame in his office in the main conference room, but the project never came to fruition.

"I was disappointed, but I continue to find ways to keep his memory alive," Angela said.

"My new team at the time was incredibly supportive of me and allowed me to grieve and take care of personal affairs, and I will always be grateful my CMXG team," she said.

This Oct. 3 is the first anniversary of Terry's death.

"He would sometimes say he was so depressed, and I would encourage him to talk to me and to seek counseling," Angela shared. "He started several different times but did not stick with it."

While Terry's story is uniquely his, the challenges he faced - feelings of isolation and pride while not seeking help - are tragically common. Angela now advocates for open conversations about mental health, particularly for those in leadership roles.

"We've come a long way as a society in addressing mental health, but people still struggle to talk about it," Angela said. "Even those who seem strong can be hiding battles we can't see."

"What I have learned in my grief journey is that it is vital that the people who are affected also seek counseling or therapy," she continued. "It is important to acknowledge the grief and work through it early on so that it doesn't come back twofold in the future. I still have a long way to go, but I sought treatment through Better Help, Employee Assistance Program and Veteran Affairs on my own, which helped me to know that I am not alone and that it was not my (or anyone else's) fault."

She encourages survivors to seek professional counseling from people who specialize not just in grief but specifically in "suicide grief."

"It is very important for people not to ignore what they're feeling," Angela said. "Individual counseling is helpful since it provides an opportunity to talk to someone without judgment, bias or preconceived notions. Group counseling is helpful to know they are not alone and it's not their fault. People need to surround themselves with others who care about them and let them help if desired but on the survivor's terms."

Angela recalled a comment from her therapist that resonated with her: "people must go through the grief and not around it."

"Everyone's healing journey is completely different from anybody else's," she said. "It's important to know it is okay to talk about their loved ones. It keeps their memory alive and helps in the healing process.

"I feel guilty for not noticing things sooner," Angela said. "I feel guilty because, looking back, I feel like maybe I, as his wife, put as much pressure on him to be the best at everything as everyone else did. I think I was so proud of everything he accomplished I did not realize that he might be having a difficult time behind the scenes."

At the end of the day, she said everyone is human, and no matter how strong they are or may seem, everyone faces complex life challenges.

"I never imagined this being my story," she said, "but I continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to be the best version of myself that I can be for me, him and our family."