Caregiver Anger and Resentment: Tips and Resources to Help You Cope

Caregiving is a crucial role that millions of Americans do for billions of hours every year. The estimated value of this often-unpaid work is $600 billion, annually. One-third of caregivers are providing care for both younger and older generations. People in this situation are often referred to as the "sandwich generation." Many caregivers are also attempting to balance work and caregiving.

With all these stressors, it's completely normal to feel stressed if you're a caregiver. That stress can lead to normal emotional reactions, including anger or resentment. If you didn't choose or plan to become a caregiver, you may also feel a sense of unfairness that you're in this position. You can help manage these feelings by focusing on self-care and connecting with support groups for additional help.

Factors that lead to caregiver anger and resentment

Every caregiver will have unique struggles. If you're dealing with negative feelings around caregiving, know that you're not alone. Several factors involved in caregiving can lead to anger or resentment. Knowing which sources of stress are hardest for you can help you understand where you might need to make changes or seek extra help.

Social isolation

Caregivers often find that their caregiving responsibilities make it hard to fit in friends and hobbies. This can lead to loss of friendships and increased feelings ofloneliness. Loneliness is also known to havenegative effects on caregiver health.

Time restraints

Taking care of someone can take a lot of time. Many caregivers feel there aren't enough hours in a day. In addition to basic tasks, like hygiene and food preparation, caregivers often handle more complex tasks. This can include things like coordinating doctor appointments, finances, and medications.

Sleep deprivation

Many caregivers report poor sleep, especially thosecaring for someone with dementia. Sleep deprivation can deplete caregivers of the energy they need to be and do their best.

Financial stress

Many caregivers are financially responsible for the one in their care. Their ability to earn money may also be impacted. According toa survey by the AARP, nearly one-third of working caregivers have to cut back or stop working. Financial strain can add to stress.

Self-neglect

Providing total care for another can make it difficult for caregivers to make time for their own health. This can create a dangerous situation for caregivers and those in their care. When a caregiver is in poor health, this can affect their ability to continue providing care.

Loss of control

Often, caregivers hadn't planned on becoming a caregiver. This role can result from a situation that happens unexpectedly. This can disrupt the lifestyle and plans that they may have had for themselves. Caregivers may feel trapped in their situation and feel like they don't have the ability to make their own choices.

Lack of appreciation or gratification

Caregiving can be a thankless job. When taking care of someone who is disabled or unwell, that person may not always show gratitude. This can leave some caregivers feeling overlooked and underappreciated.

Not enough support

One of the biggest factors that can bring about negative feelings for caregivers is having to do it alone. Even when people share caregiving responsibilities, one caregiver may find that they are doing what feels like an unfair share. And many caregivers struggle with asking for help - or even knowing where to start looking to find help.

What is caregiver burnout syndrome?

Caregiver burnout syndrome happens when you reach a state of physical and emotional exhaustion due to taking care of someone else. Beyond being tired, burnout is defined by feelings of emotional exhaustion, detachment, and a loss of fulfillment in caregiving.

Symptoms of caregiver burnout

Some common symptoms that may suggest caregiver burnout include:

• Fatigue and poor sleep

• Anger towards those in your care and others

• Resentment at being a caregiver

• Having a sense of being trapped or stuck in caregiving role

• Feeling less human or "like a robot"

• Feeling emotionally drained

• Being more emotional or sensitive than usual

• Nervousness or anxiety

• Feelings of guilt

• Being more critical of yourself or feeling that your caregiving effort is never "good enough"

Coping tips for caregiver stress, anger, or resentment

If you're feeling anger or resentment as a caregiver, first take a deep breath. These feelings are a normal reaction to stress.

Next, think about the specific parts about the caregiving job that are sparking these emotions. For example, if sleep deprivation is making things worse, brainstorm ways to get more sleep. If you're feeling resentful because you have no time to yourself, look for extra help. Connect with support groups and seek out emotional and financial support (more on this below).

Making self-care a priority can help you restore a sense of control and balance. Self-care will look a little different to everyone. Here are some ways to do this:

• Set specific time for hobbies or activities that bring you joy.

• Set a schedule with others willing to share caregiving duties.

• Have a regular exercise routine.

• Connect with friends and loved ones outside of the home.

• Make physical and mental health a priority, including routine check-ups.

• Practice mindfulness meditation or breathing exercises.

• Start a gratitude practice.

• Seek help when caregiving feels overwhelming.

Caregiver support and resources

You don't need to do everything on your own. Many caregivers find that tapping into certain resources for support can help make caregiving more manageable. The following resources can sometimes be a lifesaver.

Support groups

Sometimes the best support and advice comes from someone who has lived the same experience. Caregiver support groups are available through many avenues. These include disease-specific groups, like those offered by theAlzheimer's Association and theParkinson's Disease Foundation. Local religious and community organizations often host caregiver support groups. Online support groups can be another more flexible option. For example, theFamily Caregiver Alliance organizes online support groups.

FMLA accommodations

Any working caregiver in the U.S. should learn more about theFamily Medical and Leave Act, or FMLA. FMLA accommodations can protect caregivers from losing their jobs due to caregiving responsibilities. It can also ensure that you're allowed time away from work to provide necessary care. This can include time away from work for transporting the person in your care to doctor visits and providing other necessary help.

Financial support

Many caregivers experience financial strain due to lost wages and other expenses of providing care. Some caregivers canreceive pay for being a caregiver. This can be explored more atMedicaid.gov or through a local Medicaid office. State Medicaid programs will also sometimes fund hiring a caregiver for those who qualify. There are also ways to gettax credits and set up pre-taxflexible spending accounts (FSAs) for money spent on providing care.

In-home support

Others who don't qualify for Medicaid funding can still find caregivers for hire. This type of help can be found through home care agencies, as well as online, with services likeCare.com. Community organizations, like theArea Agency on Aging andUnited Way, may have other programs that offer in-home support.

Day care programs

Whether caring for an older or younger person, many areas haveday care programs. Having a loved one cared for at a day program can help caregivers have the time and flexibility they need to keep a more balanced lifestyle.

Other respite care

Caregivers may also have periods where they need to get away for more extended periods. When this is necessary,respite care services can often be found at long-term care facilities. The cost for these services varies. And it may or may not be covered by health insurance. TheARCH National Respite Network is a good resource and starting point when searching for respite care. Veterans may also find more options for respite through theVeterans Administration.

Residential programs

Sometimes the work of caregiving can be too much for a caregiver to continue doing. It can become unsafe for the caregiver and the one in their care. In these cases, seeking another place that can providelong-term care is necessary. The most common options include group homes, assisting living, and skilled nursing facilities. For those caring for an older person,aging life care professionals can assist with comparing options and finding the best fit.

Frequently asked questions