Dating Anxiety: Why Does Dating Make You Anxious

Many people have first-date jitters. It's common to feel nervous leading up to a date, but usually these nerves fade during the date as you start talking.

But if you're so anxious that you feel extremely uncomfortable on a date or avoid dating entirely, then you may be experiencing dating anxiety. This is more serious because it can keep you from meeting new people and developing a romantic relationship.

But dating anxiety can be treated like other anxieties, with strategies you can do on your own and with the help of a therapist.

Keep reading to learn how to recognize dating anxiety - and the steps you can take to help treat it so you can begin to feel more comfortable going on dates.

What is dating anxiety?

Dating anxiety is a sense of worry or fear about meeting potential romantic partners. Nearly everyone feels some nervousness about dating. But for people with dating anxiety, the worry is so great that they often avoid dating or any social interactions where they could meet potential partners.

Dating anxiety isn't technically a mental health condition, but it's closely related to social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder is a mental health condition that involves a fear of social situations. A person with social anxiety either endures social situations with a lot of distress or avoids them.

People with social anxiety disorder may feel so afraid of interacting with people that they never try. Or they may develop symptoms of anxiety like a racing heart when they do try.

Sometimes, the anxiety can make you feel socially awkward or "not yourself" on a date. Dating anxiety may also be associated with lower self-esteem and loneliness. All of these things can make dating more challenging.

What are the symptoms of dating anxiety?

People with dating anxiety may experience symptoms of social anxiety disorder when they're in dating situations. They may experience any of these symptoms while on a date or when they're just thinking about a date:

• Sweating

• Increased heart rate

• Nausea

• Difficulty making eye contact

• Blushing

• Fear and worry that their date will judge them

• Difficulty making conversation

• Forgetting what you want to say

And because of their anxiety, they may avoid dating altogether or push themselves to go on dates but dread them.

What causes dating anxiety?

A combination of factors can contribute to dating anxiety. Some people may be more prone to anxiety because of their family genetics or past experiences.

Negative past experiences can include being rejected from a dating partner or feeling bad about the way you look. People with a negative body image have more anxiety around dating.

If you've experienced what's called relational trauma in the past, it can contribute to dating anxiety. Trauma is a response to an event that's very scary, dangerous, or emotionally distressing. Relational trauma is trauma caused by a person you're very close to.

Examples of relational trauma include:

• Experiencing abuse from a dating partner

• Going through a difficult break up

• Experiencing infidelity or betrayal in a past relationship

• Childhood family trauma

These types of negative experiences can affect your beliefs about yourself and potential partners. It can make you wary of relationships and leave a lasting impact on how you feel about dating.

How can you overcome dating anxiety?

Many of the approaches to treating social anxiety disorder can also be helpful for coping with dating anxiety. If you're experiencing dating anxiety, consider the following strategies.

Reframe negative thoughts

Reframing refers to changing the way you think about a situation. It can be helpful if you have negative thoughts about dating.

The first step is identifying the thoughts that are causing your anxiety. People with dating anxiety tend to have thoughts about rejection or embarrassing themselves. Common negative thoughts about dating include:

• "I'll make a fool of myself on the date."

• "I'm not smart enough." (Or insert any other adjective, like pretty, funny, or interesting.)

• "If I get into a new relationship, my partner will leave me just like my ex did."

Once you're clear about your thoughts, you can move on to challenging them. The following questions can help you start reframing your thoughts:

• What's the evidence for and against my thoughts?

• How likely is this to happen?

• Is there another way that I could think about this that's more constructive and feels better?

The last step is creating a new thought that feels more positive and realistic. For example, you might say: "I can't predict what will happen. All I can do is go into the date with a positive attitude and try my best."

And you can say: "If my date doesn't think I'm smart enough, then perhaps they weren't the right person for me."

It may take some time for the positive thoughts to stick, so be patient with yourself.

Take deep breaths

If you're feeling nervous before a date or a first phone call, deep breathing can help you relax. Deep breathing involves taking deep, intentional breaths. It allows you to get more oxygen into the lungs, which helps lower anxiety.

If you haven't practiced deep breathing before, follow the steps below:

• Take a long, deep inhale through your nose for a count of 4 as your chest and lower belly fill with air.

• Exhale through your mouth for a count of 6 as you feel your chest and lower belly empty.

• Repeat for several more rounds.

This practice activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for helping you feel more calm and relaxed.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is an awareness of the present moment. Because dating anxiety often involves thoughts about the past and future, mindfulness can be helpful. You can try mindfulness before a date to help you feel more calm and present.

There are many ways to practice mindfulness. If you're new to the practice, you can listen to an audio recording of a guided mindfulness exercise. You can search for these exercises online or download a mindfulness app.

It's completely normal for thoughts to come up when you're practicing mindfulness. When this happens, try to accept the thought, let it go, and return to the mindfulness activity.

Rehearse

Sometimes, practicing can help relieve dating anxiety, just like it can help before delivering a speech or going on an interview. If you're feeling anxious, role playing how to talk to a date can be an effective way to practice and build your confidence.

You can role play with yourself in the mirror. Practice what you would say, your non-verbal gestures, and maintaining eye contact.

Remember your strengths

If low self-esteem or negative thoughts about yourself are contributing to dating anxiety, take time to think about your strengths. It's helpful to remind yourself of your special qualities and strengths. These can often become overshadowed by self-doubt and criticism.

Ask yourself: "What could I offer in a relationship?" or "What qualities make me special?" It might be difficult to answer these questions at first, but try to push through the exercise. You can even ask your friends what they like about you.

Write down your thoughts in a journal. Taking time to reflect on your qualities can help build up your self-esteem.

When should you see a therapist about dating anxiety?

If you find it difficult to overcome dating anxiety on your own, you may benefit from speaking with a therapist.

Therapy can help you work through barriers to dating. In some cases, these barriers may be unconscious, or outside of your awareness. A therapist can help you identify and address these issues so they're less likely to hold you back.

A therapist can also provide effective treatments like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This type of therapy helps you change negative thought patterns that are causing your anxiety.

It's also common for social anxiety to be treated in group therapy, as a way of practicing being comfortable with other people in a safe environment.

Therapy can also help if you've experienced relational trauma. Relational trauma can affect the way that you see yourself and your ability to form meaningful relationships. It can be important to work through your trauma with a therapist in a safe space.

Anxiety can also be treated with medications. If you want to consider medication, talk to your primary care provider or a psychiatrist. Both can help diagnose you and prescribe medication.

Frequently asked questions